The Daily Habit That Prevents Roommate Syndrome in Marriage

I'm a creature of habit.

In college, I fell into a daily routine of eating lunch at the same place every day with my buddy, Brent. We met every day at a restaurant called Country Kitchen that was heavy on grease and light on low-calorie options. We got the daily special every day. Whether it was meatloaf, country-fried steak, or chicken patties, it didn't matter because it all tasted about the same.

And that's why we loved it.

We were so regular as customers that we didn't even place orders anymore. We just sat down and they brought us our food. (Peak efficiency. Also peak college eating habits.)

They had biscuits available at breakfast time, but not for the rest of the day. I was crazy about those biscuits, so each morning they would bake one extra biscuit and set it aside. Then at lunchtime, they'd plop it on my plate and serve it up.

It was buttery heaven.

The VIP Treatment Nobody Else Got

Because all our friends knew where we'd be, a rotating cast of characters would show up and join us for lunch every day. Sometimes we'd have so many people that we filled up several tables.

While everyone else was still placing their orders, mine and Brent's food would already be getting delivered to the table.

This was the moment when something interesting happened over and over.

One of our friends would notice the biscuit on my plate and get excited. They'd try to change their order with our server.

Oh, I didn't know you had biscuits! That looks amazing. Add a biscuit to my order, too.

The reply was always the same.

"Only Todd gets a biscuit.”

Ha! That's hilarious. No, seriously. Could I get a biscuit with mine?

"No, seriously. Only Todd gets a biscuit."

Some days I would explain. Some days I just let them think I was some kind of VIP.

But I always enjoyed that biscuit.

What Showing Up Every Day Actually Gets You

Here's the thing about that biscuit:

I didn't get it because I was special. I didn't get it because I asked nicely. I didn't get it because I tipped well (I was a broke college student).

I got it because I showed up. Every single day.

The kitchen staff knew me. They knew what I wanted. They went out of their way to make sure I got it because I'd built a relationship through consistency.

My friends who showed up occasionally? They got the regular menu. No special treatment. No biscuit.

Not because the restaurant had anything against them.

But because you don't get the rewards of showing up regularly when you only show up sometimes.

Consistency creates benefits that good intentions never will.

Your Marriage Communication Works The Same Way

Most couples have good intentions about staying connected.

They want to know what's going on in each other's lives. They want to feel close and understood.

But wanting it and creating the conditions for it are two completely different things.

You don't get the "biscuit" of deep connection by showing up occasionally when you happen to think about it.

You get it by showing up consistently.

Here's what happens to most couples:

Life gets busy. You coordinate schedules, manage logistics, divide responsibilities. You talk about what needs to happen today, this week, this month.

But you stop talking about hopes. Goals. What you're thinking about. What you're working on. What matters to you.

You drift apart slowly.

Until one day you wake up and realize you've been living parallel lives. You're roommates who share a calendar and a mortgage, but you don't actually know each other anymore. That's roommate syndrome—and it happens to good couples all the time.

And here's the really hard part:

When there's eventually a crisis or a problem that requires a difficult conversation about deep stuff that feels threatening, you don't know how to have it.

Because you never learned how to talk about deep stuff that DIDN'T feel threatening.

You never practiced having meaningful conversations when the stakes were low. So when the stakes are high, you don't have the muscle memory for it.

The gap between you and your spouse isn't created by one big problem. It's created by a hundred skipped conversations.

Connection isn't built in moments of crisis. It's built in moments of consistency.

The Daily Biscuit That Cures Roommate Syndrome

Here's what we recommend: Have a daily check-in time where you discuss something other than logistics.

Not "what time is soccer practice" or "did you pay that bill" or "whose turn is it to do bedtime."

Actual connection.

It doesn't have to be long. 5-10 minutes.

But it has to be consistent.

You don't learn to swim during a flood. And you don't learn deep conversation during a crisis.

Meaningful conversations are a skill. Daily check-ins are the practice.

How to do it: Ask questions. Then listen. Then ask some more questions.

Listen especially for words that express emotions.

Don't try to fix. Don't offer unsolicited advice. Don't critique.

Just know each other.

The difference between close couples and distant ones isn't love: it's routine.

Good intentions don't keep you connected. Good habits do.

The Biscuit Is Worth It

I got that special biscuit at Country Kitchen because I showed up every day.

In marriage, consistency creates rewards that sporadic good intentions never will.

When you show up for each other daily - even for just a few minutes of actual connection - you feel known and supported. You prevent the slow drift into roommate syndrome.

So when there is a crisis or a difficult conversation, you already know how to talk about deep stuff. Because you've been practicing all along.

Everyone wants the biscuit of connection. Only the people who show up consistently get it.

The couples who connect only sporadically? They're stuck with the regular menu.

Start small. Pick a time - maybe morning coffee or right after the kids go to bed - and protect it. Ten minutes of real conversation, every day. Your marriage communication will transform, one biscuit at a time.

Already deep in roommate syndrome? If you and your spouse have drifted into parallel lives and daily check-ins feel impossible right now, you might need more than a new habit - you might need a reset. Our Renovation Marriage weekend marriage retreat teaches couples how to rebuild connection and have the meaningful conversations they've been avoiding.