Hopefully, you can admit that you’re partly at fault.
The place to start to change your marriage is to change yourself. When you begin owning your part of the unhealthy patterns that have been keeping your relationship stuck, progress becomes possible. Especially when you begin to change your approach to conflict. Positive self-change is the work of fixing what you can control in yourself.
Can changing myself really save my marriage?
Changing yourself really can change your marriage, because your reactions make up half of every pattern the two of you keep repeating. As soon as you stop feeding your half, the pattern automatically begins to shift. Changing yourself doesn’t guarantee that your spouse is going to change or respond in any specific way, but it does give your marriage its best chance. Taking responsibility for your part is one of the first steps in our guide on how to save a marriage.
What should I change first?
Start with how you approach and respond to conflict: your tone, your defensiveness habit, and how fast you escalate or shut down. In The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, psychologist John Gottman reports that 96% of the time he can predict how a couple’s conflict conversation will end from how it plays out in the first 3 minutes.
In the Sermon on the Mount, right after asking why we notice the speck of sawdust in a brother’s eye and ignore the plank in our own eye, Jesus said:
“You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.” (Matthew 7:5, NIV)
Jesus doesn’t say consider whether there might be a plank in your eye. There always is. Your responsibility is to own it and do something about it.
Here are 4 questions you can use to identify your plank:
1. How do I sound when I’m frustrated? Does my tone invite my spouse closer or put them on trial?
2. What do I do when I’m criticized? Most of us defend first and listen second.
3. When I’m upset, do I blow up or clam up? Both end the conversation.
4. What’s underneath my anger? Before you react, look below the surface to get clear on what you’re expecting.
The anger iceberg is a picture we use at our weekend. Anger is usually the tip of the iceberg everyone sees, but below the waterline sit quieter feelings. If you look there, you’ll find deeper emotions like fear, hurt, helplessness, and embarrassment. Anger is the obvious emotion that is easily seen, but it’s usually a secondary emotion. The real driving emotion is below the surface. If you keep having the same fight over and over, the feeling under the anger is usually driving it.
How do I change without becoming a doormat?
You change without becoming a doormat by taking responsibility for your part. That doesn’t mean you don’t still say what you feel when you’re upset. A doormat is a spouse who keeps the peace by hiding their own needs, agreeing to things they don’t really like, or putting up with mistreatment.
Matthew 7 gives the order very clearly: first deal with the plank, then the speck. Jesus expects you to address the speck gently, the same way you’d lift an eyelash out of someone’s eye. Our weekend teaches how to do that with the SHARE Model, a step-by-step way to talk through a hurt and take the conversation all the way to the point of reconciliation.
| Moment | Healthy change | Becoming a doormat |
|---|---|---|
| You're upset | Calmly say what happened and specifically how it made you feel | Swallow your feelings to avoid a fight |
| You disagree | Kindly share your perspective, then ask questions to understand and listen | Agree with what they say, in order to keep the peace |
| You serve your spouse | You give of yourself because you’re choosing to meet their needs | You give and meet their needs because you’re afraid not to |
How long will it take for my spouse to notice?
Expect your spouse to take weeks (and possibly months) to notice real change, and even longer to begin to trust it. After years of hurt, a spouse will often read even kind actions from their spouse through a negative filter, which the Gottman Institute calls negative sentiment override.
As you wait for your partner to notice the change, avoid keeping score. After day of not raising your voice, part of you may think you deserve a trophy (or at least a ribbon). But a scoreboard turns change into a transaction. We’re doing something not to be selfless, but expecting something in return, and spouses can feel that.
What if I change and my spouse doesn’t?
If you change and your spouse stays the same, you still benefit. Besides being calmer, you’ll be clearer about what your marriage needs next. If the change continues to stay one-sided for months, check out our article on what to do when only one of you is trying.
The Renovation Marriage weekend intensive teaches both spouses the same communication tools in one weekend, and helps you put them into practice addressing your actual issues. Erin and I have coached over 1,000 couples, and 98% of the couples who attend our weekend report significant progress by Sunday. If you’re unsure whether a weekend retreat fits your situation, take our free 10-question assessment.
Show me how the marriage retreat works
Frequently asked questions
How do I stop being the problem in my marriage?
Start by honestly asking yourself how you contribute to the conflict. Remember that taking responsibility for your part is different from taking all the blame.
Can a marriage improve if only one person changes?
A marriage can absolutely improve when only one person changes, because when one spouse begins to react differently, it shifts the pattern of what both spouses are experiencing. The other spouse may, however, take weeks or months to notice and fully trust it.
How do I become a better husband or wife?
To become a better spouse, start approaching conflict more gently (which can be tough in the heat of the moment). Look for the deeper emotion under your anger, and be intentional about serving your spouse without keeping score. Give the change time to show.
Start with one plank
Pick one question from the 4-question quiz above and work on making that one change this week. Then give your spouse time to notice.
