Can Your Marriage Be Saved? 7 Questions That Tell You
Before our one-year anniversary, Erin and I were sitting in a marriage counselor’s office.
There hadn’t been any explosive revelations. No one had packed a bag or threatened divorce. But we were both discouraged and wondering the same thing: can we make this marriage work?
If you’re asking whether your marriage can be saved, part of you already hopes the answer is yes. In most cases, it can. A marriage that can be saved is one with at least one willing spouse, a safe home, and some respect left to build on.
We did make it, 31 years and counting. If you were sitting across from me, here are the 7 questions I’d ask you to honestly assess whether your marriage can make it, too.
Can my marriage be saved if it feels completely over?
Feelings are a poor measure of whether a marriage can recover. Emotions tend to follow behavior. When two people start treating each other differently, the feelings usually catch up later.
Hopelessness may feel like a decided verdict on your marriage. Usually, though, it’s more a measure of how much you hurt. Those are two very different things.
Research backs this up. A 2002 report led by University of Chicago sociologist Linda Waite and published by the Institute for American Values followed spouses in unhappy marriages. Among the very unhappy, almost 8 in 10 who avoided divorce called themselves happily married 5 years later.
If you’re still sorting out how serious things are, start with the 7 warning signs that a marriage is in trouble.
What are the signs a marriage can still be saved?
What are the signs a marriage can still be saved?
Answer each of these questions with a yes or no:
1. Is at least one of you willing to try something new? One willing spouse is enough to start. Even if you still feel skeptical, tired, and hurt, you can still be willing. Willingness just means you’ll show up for the next step before you’re sure it will work. If you’re the willing one, start with your own half of the pattern.
2. Is there still some basic respect between you, even on hard days? Dr. John Gottman’s research points to contempt as the single greatest predictor of divorce. Contempt sounds like “What is wrong with you?”, but respect is more like “I see this differently.” The antidote to contempt is building a culture of appreciation, which starts with noticing what your spouse does right and saying it out loud.
3. Can you name something you genuinely like about your spouse? It can be small, like how they are with the kids. If you have to, think back further and ask what drew you to them in the first place. The qualities you fell for are usually still there. They may have just been buried under a lot of hurt. Remembering the good helps us to see what can be.
4. Do you still feel something, even if it’s mostly anger? Anger means you still care how this marriage turns out. I often tell couples that the opposite of love is apathy. The real danger sign is feeling nothing at all.
5. Have the two of you made it through a tough season before? Perhaps a job loss, a big move, a sick child, or a rough first year. Couples who have come back once before know that finding the way back is possible. If you can’t think of a hard season you’ve weathered as a couple, this may be your first one. Getting through it will give you that story for next time.
6. Can you name at least one thing you’ve done to make things worse? This is often the hardest question on the list, because hurt makes it easy to see only our spouse’s mistakes and almost none of our own. As long as we blame someone else for our unhappiness, we’ll stay unhappy. Owning our part of the problem makes repair possible.
7. Is your home free of abuse and of an active affair? Every other question assumes the answer here is yes. If it’s not, then skip ahead to the section on when it’s too late.
Add up the total number of “yes” answers. If you answered yes to 4 or more (including question 7), then a weekend intensive would be a solid next step for you. Fewer than 4 “yes” answers means your first step needs to be a bit smaller, and I’ll get to that below.
When is it too late to save a marriage?
It may be too late to save a marriage when there is ongoing abuse, when an affair is continuing with no intention of ending it, or when one spouse has fully checked out and refuses all help. Even then, talk with a licensed counselor before deciding anything. Decisions made during the heat of the moment often lead to regret.
Here’s how a recoverable marriage compares with one where it may be too late.
| Recoverable | May be too late | |
|---|---|---|
| Safety | Conflict is difficult, but no one is afraid | Abuse, threats, or fear for your safety |
| Affair | Ended, with honesty about what transpired | Still going, with no plan to end it |
| Feelings | One or both of you still feel something, even if it's anger | Both spouses have felt nothing for a long time |
Abuse is the non-negotiable exception. Your safety comes first. Abuse includes threats and intimidation.
Many couples are able to rebuild after infidelity, assuming the affair has stopped. Here’s what the research says about whether a marriage can survive an affair.
For everything short of those, it’s reasonable for you to have hope. The prophet Jeremiah wrote these word while he was sitting in the rubble of a destroyed city:
“Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.” (Lamentations 3:22–23, NIV)
Jeremiah was honest about the rubble. Things weren’t good. But he decided his circumstances wouldn’t get the final say and found reason for hope.
A dark season in your marriage can feel like a pit with no way out. We’ve found, though, that it’s usually more like a tunnel: if you keep putting one foot in front of the other, eventually you start to see light. You can be honest about your circumstances, without giving them final say.
What should we do first if our marriage can be saved?
If you want to begin healing your marriage, stop the most damaging patterns on your part: criticism, avoiding, and threats of divorce. Every threat of divorce, even one said in anger, suggests to your spouse that the marriage is temporary. Avoiding is when you shut down and refusing to work through the issue.
A weekend marriage intensive can give you the tools to work through conflict and past hurts productively. Not sure whether a weekend workshop is the right next step for you? Take our free 10-question assessment to see whether a weekend intensive fits your situation. The assessment takes about 3 minutes.
Erin and I have coached more than 1,000 couples, and about 3 in 4 arrived at the weekend with a relationship at some level of crisis. By the end of our weekend intensive, 98% of the couples who attend report significant progress. Our complete guide covers how to save your marriage when it seems impossible.
Show me how the marriage retreat works
What if only one of us thinks our marriage can be saved?
Start with what you can do on your own, while staying open to getting help together. One spouse’s steady change, week after week, softens the other spouse’s stance more often than any argument ever will.
Here’s what one spouse can do alone to turn things around.
Frequently asked questions
How do I know if my marriage is worth saving?
A marriage is usually worth saving when at least one spouse is willing to try, the home is safe, and there is a basic level of respect. Abuse or an affair that won’t end changes the answer, so talk with a counselor first in those cases.
Can a marriage be saved after years of unhappiness?
A marriage can often be saved, even after years of unhappiness. A 2002 report led by University of Chicago sociologist Linda Waite found that almost 8 in 10 very unhappy spouses who avoided divorce 5 years later described their marriages as happy.
Is it ever too late to save a marriage?
It can be too late to save a marriage when abuse continues, when an affair continues with no plan to end it, or when one spouse has disengaged and refuses all help. Short of those, most marriages can recover.
Where to go from here
Most marriages that feel over can still be recovered, and the 7 questions will tell you more than your feelings ever will. Count up your “yes” answers above, take the next step that fits, and then give it time to work.
Erin and I walked out of that counselor’s office still unsure, but we kept going anyway. I hope you will, too.
